Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Haze

I had my first panic attack on November 24, 2004. I did not know what was happening at the time, but it was the same day that M got married.

I had gone out to dinner with two really good friends. It had been three days since I had last spoken to M. We drove back from a really nice dinner and all of the sudden I could not breath. My chest hurt and my whole body was numb. I started to hyperventilate and could not speak. This had never happened to me before, nor has it since. I couldn't even cry appropriately, just watery eyes. I had cried too much and I guess in my heart I knew something was really wrong.

Since then I have tried to get M to tell me what happened that day. The part he tells me is after making a long trip from his home to the mountains his whole family piled into a van and they drove for a very long time. He always describes that day almost like a fog. He says they were driving and he had his cell phone in his hand. He would look out the window and think a lot of things, but he vividly remembers wishing that the van would drive off of the mountain. He remembers wondering where they were going, though he really knew.

He describes thinking that his cell phone wouldn't work there and that it was time for me to call him.

They took him into the mosque just long enough to sign the paperwork. Though she signed the nikka nama, it is unclear to me if she was even in the same room of the mosque that he was when it took place. There was no dinner, no party, and no rukhsati.

Her family was given jewelry, purchased by M's mother and aunt, and clothing and then there was the trip back.


  1. tell me more! sooo interested here!

  2. i cant even comment. i cant imagine how you felt. i didnt know.

  3. I am just wondering how in the world you ended up marrying him after all of this!!!!